So, it's been awhile...

I just realized how long it's been since I've blogged anything on here. I guess when things start to go well, I find myself too busy to blog. It's only when things fall apart I feel the need to vent about it. So, in that respect, my silence has been a good thing. SInce my last post, I have moved from my house into a bed and breakfast. That would be pretty cool, except I am never there. Where am I, you ask? Well, in a nutshell, I'm at my boyfriend's house. Yep, I have a boyfriend now. It'll be 4 months next week. The semester is almost over, which I'm beyond thrilled about. Only 3 more semesters to go and then I'll graduate. Looking into grad programs for my MFA. Over all, it's a good thing. :)

...and it has nothing to do with me.

You know, I have made mistakes. We all make them. I have no problem being held accountable for my mistakes and suffering the consequences of my actions. What I have no tolerance for is being held accountable for someone else's actions. I'm heartbroken over being told to never have any type of contact with my nephew because my sister hates our dad. News flash big sister: we ALL hate him. You are quite possibly the most selfish person I have ever known, and that hurts me to say because you are my sister. You didn't like how he treated you? Guess what? Neither did I. But unlike you, I've placed blame where it belongs. I don't punish people who love me because of someone else. I hate that man quite possibly more than you. You want nothing to do with anyone related to him? You better pack your son off then because like it or not, HE'S related to that bastard too. I hope you stay safe in Afghanistan, because you are my sister and I love you no matter how insecure, selfish, and petty I think you're acting. Please grow up before it's too late.

But at least I realize it...

So, I am a horrible mother. Yes, that's right. I said it. I always knew I was entirely too selfish to make a good parent, and that is why I never intentionally had children. I have had Jarod home with me for the past few weeks for the summer. I love him more than anything, but I miss having the freedom to come and go as I choose. It makes me sad because it's not Jarod's fault. I'm just a horrible person.

When I'm sorry doesn't seem to be enough...

So, it is apparent that I did something incredibly stupid and hurt/pissed off one of my very best friends who now refuses to speak to me. Upon reflection, I think I might know what it was, but I'm not sure. For all I know it could have been multiple things. I didn't even know she was upset with me until I talked to her husband. I've done what I can do for now, and all that's left is to give her some space, but I'm not sure what else I can do. :(

To sleep, perchance to dream

I am not adjusting back to real people hours very well. I'm a night owl by nature, so on the one hand 3rd shift was never really a problem as far as being awake all night. Just inconvenient for everything else. I am not a morning person. At all. So I dislike being up early even on the best of days. But I'm having trouble sleeping and then getting up early on top of it means I have to take naps, which screws up my sleep later. Like now, when I should be sleeping.

My Professor has an ego...

and it's THIS BIG <-------------------------------------------------------------->!

There is only one thing that irritates me more than a professor who assignes his own book for a course...as a supplemental, yet required text even. And that one thing, my friends, is when the bookstore is not buying said book back for the fall. I bought this sucker brand new, too. /facepalm

At least today is my last day of summer classes. I take my final exam today, and then it's freedom for the rest of the summer. Of course, I'll have to deal with the 7th circle of hell that is my job, but at least the hours are better so I'll have a life, social or otherwise.

Dante's Inferno, anyone?

I am starting on my first day on 1st shift. In honor of this auspicious change, I am considering liberating a copy of Dante's Inferno from the library...just so I can finally be sure which circle of hell I'll be playing in. You see what I did there? Hehe Anywhoo...

My party is tonight and I am looking forward to seeing people. It's the first gathering I've had at my home, and I'm hoping I'll have many more. I enjoy the more hands on stuff like holiday meals, but we'll start with this and go from there.

Divorce papers came in the mail yesterday. I'm tingly with the anticipation of getting rid of his retarded sounding last name and retaking my equally retarded sounding, yet shorter, last name. Truly told, I don't want either of them, and if the judge would have let me make something up to go by I would have been all over the chance like a hobo on a ham sandwich. he didn't, so neither did I.

And the thunder rolls

I received an unexpected jolt yesterday. I was over at a neighbor's house, just chatting for a few minutes before continuing on with my day. We're not close, my neighbor and me, but we are friendly. As we're chatting, she asks me when that guy is going to come back. She goes on to say that after watching me be so sad with my ex-husband that she was glad to see me with someone who made me so happy, and we made such a cute couple. /wrists

"That guy," of course, is Randy. Because we're not close, my neighbor and me, she had no idea we're not together anymore. With him being so far away, it was not unusual for it be be several weeks between visits. So why was this a jolt? Because, up to this point, people have only seen the "me" side. They saw me happy, they saw me lonely, they saw me heartbroken, but it was always and only me. What Kim saw was "we," and I had no idea. Now there was someone who had witnessed my joy, my happiness. She saw the "we," could bear witness to its existence, and somehow it made the pain worse. It wasn't me claiming happiness, it was someone declaring "Yes, you were happy. I saw it."

Yesterday brought the storm. It seems appropriate that the weather would echo my heart, the rain like unchecked teardrops that won't be shed, the wind whipping tree branches like hands that won't grasp and pull hair in grief. I laughed as the thunder shook the world with screams that won't be uttered. And the tornadoes. The manifestation of brain and heart warring over wants and deserves.

The Goddess of the Storm.

Too soon, or not soon enough?

So, since I am newly divorced, and less newly dumped, I have been exploring my options in the realm of dating. I have to say, I'm not encouraged. I've talked to some people, but when it comes to actually, oh I don't know, being in the same room with them, I bolt. I take this to mean one of two things: either I'm not ready to date yet or they're not the right people. It could quite possibly be the combination of the two. Short of packing up and moving away, which is so appealing yet equally impractical, I'm stuck in this very over fished pond. As long distance relationships make me a lunatic, I won't even consider doing one of those. They can work, and they have worked for other people. I'm not other people. I'm me, and it's not something I'm interested in doing again. So, looks like I'll be flying solo for a while longer. Meh.

Freedom!

My divorce is now official! There was no sadness. On the contrary, I was giddy with relief and joy. I bought a new dress, new shoes, and red lipstick. I had dinner with a friend, drank way too many margaritas, and had a fantastic time. I do need to retrieve my car from the restaurant, though. Hehe

A beginning to the ending

My day in court is about to dawn. I finally get my divorce this week. It has been a very long 16 months or so, and I'll be glad to have it done with. It's not so much the fact I want to get married. Truth is, I love being married, and I love being a wife, but I'm horribly inept at finding mates and I'd rather not risk it. But after all the cancellations and delays, my day is here and it will not be denied. It is a good week for me, indeed.

Early morning epiphany with a side of rain...

Have you ever had a pattern in your life that you kept repeating? You know better, and what's worse, you know you know better. Yet each time the pattern infinitely loops around you. The trappings may change, different sets-different scenes; by the end credits you know you've played this part before. I had such a pattern. I say had, because I am no longer caught in this web of my own making. Sometimes, people are brought into your life to help you. Sometimes it's to love you, or make you happy. Sometimes it's to teach you a lesson. Randy was none of these things to me and all of them. He was my cosmic tough love consequence. This pattern ultimately hurt me every time, yet I still held true to it despite knowing better. Until Randy. Finally, someone had hurt me bad enough to snap me out of it. It was good. For awhile, it was more than great. It was everything, and I couldn't picture myself or my life without him being there. Unfortunately for me, he's still everywhere I look. He's in the scar on my foot where the cat scratched me while we were on the phone. He's in my favorite movies, the books I read. The world I live in surrounds me with him. I gave him more than I thought I'd ever be able to, and when he hurt me, it was more than hurt. He was given to me to force me to deal with things I'd prefer not to deal with. Because of him I grew. I became more, and gained so much more to lose. And lost it I did, and it was devastating. Like a child I grieved for what was never really mine, as if by saying, "But I want it!" would make it so. I had more to lose, but I had more that remained. Those pieces I found and put back together with the grace of a woman. I'm still wounded, but I'm not broken. Because of Randy, I know I deserved more than him. I deserve more than a lot of the things I've managed to settle for. Because of Randy, when that pattern comes back to haunt me I die a little inside instead of giving in to it. I didn't give in to it. I won't give in to it. The heavens cried a gentle rain, of grief or relief I know not which, and I let it fall around me...never hurrying my step.

Success! and moving on...

Huzzah! It appears that Operation: Rodentus Eradicatus has been a success. I hate living so close to the river sometimes. Still, my furry friends have all departed to the hereafter, and I'm ok with that.

I've decided my broken heart has been broken for long enough. I'm doing much better than I have any right to expect, all things considered. One might think that perhaps I never truly loved him at all if I can pick myself up after so short a time. This is not true at all. My life is nothing if not change and conflict. I have learned to heal myself sooner rather than later. It's the only way I've made it this far. I can't afford to let myself grieve for too long. I may not be good, but I'm much better than I was. And for now, I can be ok with that. So, in the spirit of moving on, I've begun to seek out people to spend time with. Friends, new people. I've even considered getting a puppy. I don't want a puppy, but I'm still thinking about one just the same. I want to take Jarod to the park and watch him run himself and the puppy into the ground, with that big goofy grin on his face. I want it more for him than myself, but at the end of the day he's going to go back to his dad's and I'll still be left with the puppy. I'll have to let that one bake a little bit longer...

And then there was one

and his words fell like flowers, through the air, and I collecting each, one by one, in my heart, so they can forever bloom in my soul ♥ ♥ ♥

but then, reaching deeply, he plucked my blooms, leaving thorns to brace the gaps, until my soul fell like tear drops through the spaces

I have been silent for awhile now. Not long after I commenced with Operation: Rodentus Eradicatus, my boyfriend sent me a text saying he was coming to see me. I was literally jumping out of my skin with joy. In fact, I even posted a blog to that extent. But a few hours later, I sat grieving as he texted, yes I said texted, me saying it was over. I have heard nothing from him since, nor will I. One of the first things I did was delete my last posting. There was no way I could see that reminder of how happy I had been only hours earlier. And as my pieces started to scatter, I cried. I analyzed, conjectured, pondered, questioned why he would do this to me this way. It's not the loss of the relationship, though that wounds me deeply and perhaps always will. It's not the loss of the friendship, though I will always mourn that loss. He knew me better than anyone has ever known me. He looked at my sum, decided my worth, and found me lacking. His actions say I do not deserve compassion. I do not deserve courtesy, respect, or even a simple explanation. And to be fair, because I see no reason to stoop to his level, I have felt this coming. From him, from me, it doesn't really matter. There were a lot of factors, and I had thought of ending it myself more than once due to these factors. But not this way. A face to face talk wouldn't have been practical with the distance. But I would have at least called him. I would have explained my reasons. I would have given him that respect. Then again, I love him, and a lack of feeling wouldn't have been the reason. There are people who touch your heart that will always be there, and he is one of mine. Over time, that love will change into something more easily pushed into the background. It will mellow with age, and one day I will be able to recall those feelings with fondness, glad that I was one of the lucky ones to have felt that kind of love...even though it was most obviously not returned. And I know that if, in 10 years or even 20, he were to call me in need, I would go to him. That passionate love may be gone, but love would bring me back to him, to give what I could toward his happiness and success. He can never have me back. All the love in the world can't heal the breach of trust I worked so hard to build. I truly hope he finds happiness in what he's decided, because I do love him and I love him enough to always want the best for him, even if that means I'm not a part of it. But I'm turning his page, and I'm going to keep writing my story.

Operation: Rodentus Eradicatus and My New Tattoo Plans

So, it seems that little mousy bastard did, in fact, have some friends. As I finally have a day off, it is time to do something about that. I have more glue traps, but apparently I only caught the helmet wearer of this bunch. The other or others are too smart, it seems, to fall for it. So after I dress my spawn, it's off to Meijer for some D-Con.

I have been planning a large sclae back tattoo for several months now. I even had a design drawn up. It never actually felt right, though, so I haven't done much with it. Until now. I've decided on a new design, and this one feels perfect. Here is my gorgeous cousin-in-law and her tattoo.



Mine will be something like this. The trunk will start lower on my back, and more on the back. It'll also go all the way up my side and out across my shoulders. under the tree branches will be a dragon. I'm still deciding on the dragon image, but that's phase 2 so I'm not overly worried about it yet. Then, near the dragon will be a butterfly. I may have several smaller butterflies around one larger one yet. Again, this is phase 2, so I'm still working on it. The butterflies represent change, both large and small and multitudinous. The tree is for life, both beautiful and short. The dragon, of course, is me.

Another Day, Another Dollar

I actually worked a full day today. Sweet baby jesus in a blender, this is gonna suck! LOL Not the work. That's pretty easy. And the time seems to go by fairly quickly. But I didn't get home til 9:30 this morning with a class at 6, and tomorrow is the same but a class at 1, with a dance class I'd like to attend at 12. I may need to forgo the dance class. So, on the menu for today is Oral Interpretations. We're supposed to find something short to read as an ungraded first performance, and I'm hoping I can use something I've written because I can't find anything published that really reflects me at all. I'd like to read from my play. I'd really like to do Anger, as I could really get into that. But, as it happens, I was seriously pissed off when I wrote that section and it's liberally peppered with profanity, which may not go over well. I'm going to read Depression instead. I get to cry. I think I can actually do it, too. Didn't sleep long or well, which is why I'm up way earlier than I need to. But HUZZAH! I caught that bastard mouse that has been taunting me! As we speak he's caught in a glue trap. Still wiggling, though. I need him to be a bit less lively before I chuck his furry mouse pooping ass in the garbage. Now, as long as he didn't bring any little bastard mouse friends with him, I should be rodent free now. I seriously hate mice.

Managing Stress and the Sound of I Love You

Had my first anthropology class today. I have a feeling this will be the longest 3.25 hours of my life, twice a week. I should be sleeping in the hopes that there will be something for me to do at work tonight. That there may not be has me concerned. Like most everyone breathing nowadays, I have bills that must be paid. No work means no bill paying. I'm not the type of person that needs a lot, or wants much beyond those things that I need. It would be nice, for just a little while, to be able to provide those things without half killing myself to do it. And then falling short, at that. Of course, my life is all about stress management, and the ability to juggle multiple crises at a time. I'm not sure I could ever trust anything I didn't have to fight tooth and nail for. I'd always be waiting in the back of my head for the other shoe to drop, always looking for the strings that are invariably attached. But I do somehow find a way. Maybe not be be ahead, but to not fall so far behind that I'm homeless. I'm an expert at getting by, and I'm so tired of just getting by. This is why I'm back in school. I don't want a job. I want a career doing something I love, that I'm good at, and that will make a difference. I'm going to be a teacher. I'll never get rich teaching. It's a good thing I don't want much. But I value far more than material things those things that are intangible. The sudden look of comprehension on someone's face when they finally understand something. The smiles of achievement when hard work is met with recognition. And maybe, just maybe, someone will learn to appreciate those people that are around them, helping them along their way. So it is the intangible that I am so desperately craving to help keep the stress away. I'd give my left kidney for a tender embrace, a kiss on the forehead, and a softly whispered, "You'll be ok. I love you." But I will manage without. You'd be surprised what I can do without and still manage to keep on going. I'm small, but mighty.

Ironman 2 and the Unexpected Night Off

I went to see Ironman 2 this afternoon with some friends. I have to say, I enjoyed it. Not so much for it's stellar acting and superb screenwriting. Because really, I want you to believe me. No, it was just fun to watch. After, we decided to head to Outback for some dinner. We might have ended up elsewhere, but apparently our movie stubs are good for free appetizers. I had what I usually had: steak, slighly mooing. Of course, I encountered my soon-to-be ex. For those of you just tuning in to the freakshow that is my life, I am in the process of divorcing because my husband decided that hey, wouldn't it be grand to not be a man anymore? Yes, you read that correctly. My husband wants to be a chick. As that does not work for me... Anywhoo, I am reasonably indifferent to my ex. I neither love nor hate him/her/it. I am mostly indifferent. I care not so long as it interferes not with me and mine. I will henceforth refer to the ex as "he" however. Disrespectful? Perhaps. However, that was information more helpful BEFORE HE MARRIED ME.

I am actually able to write this because work was slow and I got an extra night off. Normally I would be at work at this time of morning. I'm feeling much better today, but I did hit the NyQuil again, just in case. I have my first day of sumer classes this afternoon. That would be great if my school refund would post so I could actually get my books. To say I'm peeved is being polite. I'm taking Anthropology and Oral Interpretations this summer. I may take more classes for the second session of summer. I haven't decided yet. I'm enjoying the college experience. In a way I'm sorry I didn't go right after high school, but in another way I'm glad I didn't. I appreciate it a lot more now that I'm older than I would have as a kid. I'll make a pretty good teacher. You'll see.

Sleep and my lack thereof...

I just started a 3rd shift job working with the Census. That pretty much means I can't talk about my job, or some of the things I see. However, I like the people I work with and we had a good time last night. In fact, at one point the tears were streaming down my cheeks from laughing. But I can't talk about that. LOL So, I'm sitting here at 6 pm seriously needing a nap. It could be my apnea keeps me from sleeping well. Could be my new hours are screwing with me. OR, it could be the double hit of Nyquil I took this morning when I got home hasn't fully worn off yet. Because yes, I have to be sick and starting a new job. It's the cold from hell. I'll live, but I'm not at a point where I'm happy about that yet.

Welcome to my lair

I've had blogs off and on over the years, but nothing I've ever really kept up or held onto. However, on this early Tuesday morn, I cannot sleep, so I thought I would try my hand at it once more.

One of my interests is Tarot, and for a number of reasons. 1) I like the cards. I have a Gilded Tarot deck that is absolutely gorgeous, but of course, I am in search of the perfect dragon tarot deck. Why use cards you don't enjoy looking at? 2) It's instructional. I don't believe it's necessarily magic, or fortune telling. What I do believe is that it's a tool that helps you think about things in perhaps a different way than you have been. It's a focus, and a guide. But I'm no expert so feel free to think I'm full of it. 3) I enjoy it. As with the appearance of the cards, if you don't enjoy them you probably shouldn't be using them.

So, why do I bring this up? I've been working on my tarot skills this evening after a goodly amount of time away from the cards. I decided to try out a single card reading. It turned into 3 single card readings, so I guess it would technically be a 3 card reading at this point. I had a subject, the next step, and the obstacle. It's stuck in my mind. I'll not share it here, but I keep a journal of my readings and I wrote it all there. The journal is just for me, a way to keep track of what I read and what actually transpires. Again, it's not so much prediction as it is keeping track of my thought processes at the time, the choices as I see them before me, and the outcomes of those choices. The actual exercise I was working on is intuitive readings, which is fantastic for me because I'm not an expert in the "actual" meanings of the cards. With intuitive readings, it's what the reader gets out of the individual card. My other attempts at readings have been complicated spreads using the traditional meanings, and to be perfectly frank, I don't think I was very good at it. This intuitive reading, though, feels real. I shall practice this more and see if I continue to feel this way about the readings, or if this is a fluke.