To sleep, perchance to dream

I am not adjusting back to real people hours very well. I'm a night owl by nature, so on the one hand 3rd shift was never really a problem as far as being awake all night. Just inconvenient for everything else. I am not a morning person. At all. So I dislike being up early even on the best of days. But I'm having trouble sleeping and then getting up early on top of it means I have to take naps, which screws up my sleep later. Like now, when I should be sleeping.

My Professor has an ego...

and it's THIS BIG <-------------------------------------------------------------->!

There is only one thing that irritates me more than a professor who assignes his own book for a course...as a supplemental, yet required text even. And that one thing, my friends, is when the bookstore is not buying said book back for the fall. I bought this sucker brand new, too. /facepalm

At least today is my last day of summer classes. I take my final exam today, and then it's freedom for the rest of the summer. Of course, I'll have to deal with the 7th circle of hell that is my job, but at least the hours are better so I'll have a life, social or otherwise.

Dante's Inferno, anyone?

I am starting on my first day on 1st shift. In honor of this auspicious change, I am considering liberating a copy of Dante's Inferno from the library...just so I can finally be sure which circle of hell I'll be playing in. You see what I did there? Hehe Anywhoo...

My party is tonight and I am looking forward to seeing people. It's the first gathering I've had at my home, and I'm hoping I'll have many more. I enjoy the more hands on stuff like holiday meals, but we'll start with this and go from there.

Divorce papers came in the mail yesterday. I'm tingly with the anticipation of getting rid of his retarded sounding last name and retaking my equally retarded sounding, yet shorter, last name. Truly told, I don't want either of them, and if the judge would have let me make something up to go by I would have been all over the chance like a hobo on a ham sandwich. he didn't, so neither did I.

And the thunder rolls

I received an unexpected jolt yesterday. I was over at a neighbor's house, just chatting for a few minutes before continuing on with my day. We're not close, my neighbor and me, but we are friendly. As we're chatting, she asks me when that guy is going to come back. She goes on to say that after watching me be so sad with my ex-husband that she was glad to see me with someone who made me so happy, and we made such a cute couple. /wrists

"That guy," of course, is Randy. Because we're not close, my neighbor and me, she had no idea we're not together anymore. With him being so far away, it was not unusual for it be be several weeks between visits. So why was this a jolt? Because, up to this point, people have only seen the "me" side. They saw me happy, they saw me lonely, they saw me heartbroken, but it was always and only me. What Kim saw was "we," and I had no idea. Now there was someone who had witnessed my joy, my happiness. She saw the "we," could bear witness to its existence, and somehow it made the pain worse. It wasn't me claiming happiness, it was someone declaring "Yes, you were happy. I saw it."

Yesterday brought the storm. It seems appropriate that the weather would echo my heart, the rain like unchecked teardrops that won't be shed, the wind whipping tree branches like hands that won't grasp and pull hair in grief. I laughed as the thunder shook the world with screams that won't be uttered. And the tornadoes. The manifestation of brain and heart warring over wants and deserves.

The Goddess of the Storm.

Too soon, or not soon enough?

So, since I am newly divorced, and less newly dumped, I have been exploring my options in the realm of dating. I have to say, I'm not encouraged. I've talked to some people, but when it comes to actually, oh I don't know, being in the same room with them, I bolt. I take this to mean one of two things: either I'm not ready to date yet or they're not the right people. It could quite possibly be the combination of the two. Short of packing up and moving away, which is so appealing yet equally impractical, I'm stuck in this very over fished pond. As long distance relationships make me a lunatic, I won't even consider doing one of those. They can work, and they have worked for other people. I'm not other people. I'm me, and it's not something I'm interested in doing again. So, looks like I'll be flying solo for a while longer. Meh.

Freedom!

My divorce is now official! There was no sadness. On the contrary, I was giddy with relief and joy. I bought a new dress, new shoes, and red lipstick. I had dinner with a friend, drank way too many margaritas, and had a fantastic time. I do need to retrieve my car from the restaurant, though. Hehe

A beginning to the ending

My day in court is about to dawn. I finally get my divorce this week. It has been a very long 16 months or so, and I'll be glad to have it done with. It's not so much the fact I want to get married. Truth is, I love being married, and I love being a wife, but I'm horribly inept at finding mates and I'd rather not risk it. But after all the cancellations and delays, my day is here and it will not be denied. It is a good week for me, indeed.

Early morning epiphany with a side of rain...

Have you ever had a pattern in your life that you kept repeating? You know better, and what's worse, you know you know better. Yet each time the pattern infinitely loops around you. The trappings may change, different sets-different scenes; by the end credits you know you've played this part before. I had such a pattern. I say had, because I am no longer caught in this web of my own making. Sometimes, people are brought into your life to help you. Sometimes it's to love you, or make you happy. Sometimes it's to teach you a lesson. Randy was none of these things to me and all of them. He was my cosmic tough love consequence. This pattern ultimately hurt me every time, yet I still held true to it despite knowing better. Until Randy. Finally, someone had hurt me bad enough to snap me out of it. It was good. For awhile, it was more than great. It was everything, and I couldn't picture myself or my life without him being there. Unfortunately for me, he's still everywhere I look. He's in the scar on my foot where the cat scratched me while we were on the phone. He's in my favorite movies, the books I read. The world I live in surrounds me with him. I gave him more than I thought I'd ever be able to, and when he hurt me, it was more than hurt. He was given to me to force me to deal with things I'd prefer not to deal with. Because of him I grew. I became more, and gained so much more to lose. And lost it I did, and it was devastating. Like a child I grieved for what was never really mine, as if by saying, "But I want it!" would make it so. I had more to lose, but I had more that remained. Those pieces I found and put back together with the grace of a woman. I'm still wounded, but I'm not broken. Because of Randy, I know I deserved more than him. I deserve more than a lot of the things I've managed to settle for. Because of Randy, when that pattern comes back to haunt me I die a little inside instead of giving in to it. I didn't give in to it. I won't give in to it. The heavens cried a gentle rain, of grief or relief I know not which, and I let it fall around me...never hurrying my step.

Success! and moving on...

Huzzah! It appears that Operation: Rodentus Eradicatus has been a success. I hate living so close to the river sometimes. Still, my furry friends have all departed to the hereafter, and I'm ok with that.

I've decided my broken heart has been broken for long enough. I'm doing much better than I have any right to expect, all things considered. One might think that perhaps I never truly loved him at all if I can pick myself up after so short a time. This is not true at all. My life is nothing if not change and conflict. I have learned to heal myself sooner rather than later. It's the only way I've made it this far. I can't afford to let myself grieve for too long. I may not be good, but I'm much better than I was. And for now, I can be ok with that. So, in the spirit of moving on, I've begun to seek out people to spend time with. Friends, new people. I've even considered getting a puppy. I don't want a puppy, but I'm still thinking about one just the same. I want to take Jarod to the park and watch him run himself and the puppy into the ground, with that big goofy grin on his face. I want it more for him than myself, but at the end of the day he's going to go back to his dad's and I'll still be left with the puppy. I'll have to let that one bake a little bit longer...

And then there was one

and his words fell like flowers, through the air, and I collecting each, one by one, in my heart, so they can forever bloom in my soul ♥ ♥ ♥

but then, reaching deeply, he plucked my blooms, leaving thorns to brace the gaps, until my soul fell like tear drops through the spaces

I have been silent for awhile now. Not long after I commenced with Operation: Rodentus Eradicatus, my boyfriend sent me a text saying he was coming to see me. I was literally jumping out of my skin with joy. In fact, I even posted a blog to that extent. But a few hours later, I sat grieving as he texted, yes I said texted, me saying it was over. I have heard nothing from him since, nor will I. One of the first things I did was delete my last posting. There was no way I could see that reminder of how happy I had been only hours earlier. And as my pieces started to scatter, I cried. I analyzed, conjectured, pondered, questioned why he would do this to me this way. It's not the loss of the relationship, though that wounds me deeply and perhaps always will. It's not the loss of the friendship, though I will always mourn that loss. He knew me better than anyone has ever known me. He looked at my sum, decided my worth, and found me lacking. His actions say I do not deserve compassion. I do not deserve courtesy, respect, or even a simple explanation. And to be fair, because I see no reason to stoop to his level, I have felt this coming. From him, from me, it doesn't really matter. There were a lot of factors, and I had thought of ending it myself more than once due to these factors. But not this way. A face to face talk wouldn't have been practical with the distance. But I would have at least called him. I would have explained my reasons. I would have given him that respect. Then again, I love him, and a lack of feeling wouldn't have been the reason. There are people who touch your heart that will always be there, and he is one of mine. Over time, that love will change into something more easily pushed into the background. It will mellow with age, and one day I will be able to recall those feelings with fondness, glad that I was one of the lucky ones to have felt that kind of love...even though it was most obviously not returned. And I know that if, in 10 years or even 20, he were to call me in need, I would go to him. That passionate love may be gone, but love would bring me back to him, to give what I could toward his happiness and success. He can never have me back. All the love in the world can't heal the breach of trust I worked so hard to build. I truly hope he finds happiness in what he's decided, because I do love him and I love him enough to always want the best for him, even if that means I'm not a part of it. But I'm turning his page, and I'm going to keep writing my story.