Early morning epiphany with a side of rain...

Have you ever had a pattern in your life that you kept repeating? You know better, and what's worse, you know you know better. Yet each time the pattern infinitely loops around you. The trappings may change, different sets-different scenes; by the end credits you know you've played this part before. I had such a pattern. I say had, because I am no longer caught in this web of my own making. Sometimes, people are brought into your life to help you. Sometimes it's to love you, or make you happy. Sometimes it's to teach you a lesson. Randy was none of these things to me and all of them. He was my cosmic tough love consequence. This pattern ultimately hurt me every time, yet I still held true to it despite knowing better. Until Randy. Finally, someone had hurt me bad enough to snap me out of it. It was good. For awhile, it was more than great. It was everything, and I couldn't picture myself or my life without him being there. Unfortunately for me, he's still everywhere I look. He's in the scar on my foot where the cat scratched me while we were on the phone. He's in my favorite movies, the books I read. The world I live in surrounds me with him. I gave him more than I thought I'd ever be able to, and when he hurt me, it was more than hurt. He was given to me to force me to deal with things I'd prefer not to deal with. Because of him I grew. I became more, and gained so much more to lose. And lost it I did, and it was devastating. Like a child I grieved for what was never really mine, as if by saying, "But I want it!" would make it so. I had more to lose, but I had more that remained. Those pieces I found and put back together with the grace of a woman. I'm still wounded, but I'm not broken. Because of Randy, I know I deserved more than him. I deserve more than a lot of the things I've managed to settle for. Because of Randy, when that pattern comes back to haunt me I die a little inside instead of giving in to it. I didn't give in to it. I won't give in to it. The heavens cried a gentle rain, of grief or relief I know not which, and I let it fall around me...never hurrying my step.