...and it has nothing to do with me.

You know, I have made mistakes. We all make them. I have no problem being held accountable for my mistakes and suffering the consequences of my actions. What I have no tolerance for is being held accountable for someone else's actions. I'm heartbroken over being told to never have any type of contact with my nephew because my sister hates our dad. News flash big sister: we ALL hate him. You are quite possibly the most selfish person I have ever known, and that hurts me to say because you are my sister. You didn't like how he treated you? Guess what? Neither did I. But unlike you, I've placed blame where it belongs. I don't punish people who love me because of someone else. I hate that man quite possibly more than you. You want nothing to do with anyone related to him? You better pack your son off then because like it or not, HE'S related to that bastard too. I hope you stay safe in Afghanistan, because you are my sister and I love you no matter how insecure, selfish, and petty I think you're acting. Please grow up before it's too late.

But at least I realize it...

So, I am a horrible mother. Yes, that's right. I said it. I always knew I was entirely too selfish to make a good parent, and that is why I never intentionally had children. I have had Jarod home with me for the past few weeks for the summer. I love him more than anything, but I miss having the freedom to come and go as I choose. It makes me sad because it's not Jarod's fault. I'm just a horrible person.

When I'm sorry doesn't seem to be enough...

So, it is apparent that I did something incredibly stupid and hurt/pissed off one of my very best friends who now refuses to speak to me. Upon reflection, I think I might know what it was, but I'm not sure. For all I know it could have been multiple things. I didn't even know she was upset with me until I talked to her husband. I've done what I can do for now, and all that's left is to give her some space, but I'm not sure what else I can do. :(

To sleep, perchance to dream

I am not adjusting back to real people hours very well. I'm a night owl by nature, so on the one hand 3rd shift was never really a problem as far as being awake all night. Just inconvenient for everything else. I am not a morning person. At all. So I dislike being up early even on the best of days. But I'm having trouble sleeping and then getting up early on top of it means I have to take naps, which screws up my sleep later. Like now, when I should be sleeping.

My Professor has an ego...

and it's THIS BIG <-------------------------------------------------------------->!

There is only one thing that irritates me more than a professor who assignes his own book for a course...as a supplemental, yet required text even. And that one thing, my friends, is when the bookstore is not buying said book back for the fall. I bought this sucker brand new, too. /facepalm

At least today is my last day of summer classes. I take my final exam today, and then it's freedom for the rest of the summer. Of course, I'll have to deal with the 7th circle of hell that is my job, but at least the hours are better so I'll have a life, social or otherwise.

Dante's Inferno, anyone?

I am starting on my first day on 1st shift. In honor of this auspicious change, I am considering liberating a copy of Dante's Inferno from the library...just so I can finally be sure which circle of hell I'll be playing in. You see what I did there? Hehe Anywhoo...

My party is tonight and I am looking forward to seeing people. It's the first gathering I've had at my home, and I'm hoping I'll have many more. I enjoy the more hands on stuff like holiday meals, but we'll start with this and go from there.

Divorce papers came in the mail yesterday. I'm tingly with the anticipation of getting rid of his retarded sounding last name and retaking my equally retarded sounding, yet shorter, last name. Truly told, I don't want either of them, and if the judge would have let me make something up to go by I would have been all over the chance like a hobo on a ham sandwich. he didn't, so neither did I.

And the thunder rolls

I received an unexpected jolt yesterday. I was over at a neighbor's house, just chatting for a few minutes before continuing on with my day. We're not close, my neighbor and me, but we are friendly. As we're chatting, she asks me when that guy is going to come back. She goes on to say that after watching me be so sad with my ex-husband that she was glad to see me with someone who made me so happy, and we made such a cute couple. /wrists

"That guy," of course, is Randy. Because we're not close, my neighbor and me, she had no idea we're not together anymore. With him being so far away, it was not unusual for it be be several weeks between visits. So why was this a jolt? Because, up to this point, people have only seen the "me" side. They saw me happy, they saw me lonely, they saw me heartbroken, but it was always and only me. What Kim saw was "we," and I had no idea. Now there was someone who had witnessed my joy, my happiness. She saw the "we," could bear witness to its existence, and somehow it made the pain worse. It wasn't me claiming happiness, it was someone declaring "Yes, you were happy. I saw it."

Yesterday brought the storm. It seems appropriate that the weather would echo my heart, the rain like unchecked teardrops that won't be shed, the wind whipping tree branches like hands that won't grasp and pull hair in grief. I laughed as the thunder shook the world with screams that won't be uttered. And the tornadoes. The manifestation of brain and heart warring over wants and deserves.

The Goddess of the Storm.